There was a part of me that was numb, and sometimes still is. Like I guarded my heart so securely and had triple locked it with a couple extra bolts and then a brick wall as well. And then when the outside world knocked, I just didn't care. That was definitely my flesh protecting me from feeling any pain, any pain that the world might cause.
And then something crazy sometimes happens. God shows you a small child holding their mama's hand, or a patient in the hospital reading their Bible because they don't know when their last breath will be, or having a reaallly good conversation with a friend that goes deeper then the usual "surface" talk. And then you feel. You feel something bigger then your own selfish self and feel someone else. You connect and feel compassion. You understand someone else, not fully, but the way God intended you to feel. Fully.
Have you ever gone a long period of time without crying? It's been 6 months since I last cried and I wonder what's wrong with me? I am a girl, shouldn't I be crying regularly? And does this mean I am not "feeling" correctly? I don't know. I know I have been realizing how numb I used to be and I don't want to be like that anymore, and those were the days I cried rivers. So maybe selfishness had something to do with it, or life circumstances. But whatever it was, I know I want to feel now, infinitely like the depth of Space.
Next time you hear of something horrible, sad and inhumane, ask yourself... do you feel that?
I'm feeling that! Love it! Now it's too early for me to get too philosophical on you... but I have no problem rambling a bit about what your heart is speaking. I've gone through the eb and flows of life the seasons of up and down emotions. Its good to get in touch with your inner most self and it's ok that you haven't been a bundle of tears ... sometimes too many tears can lead you down a dark path. Feeling too much vs. feeling to little -- I've been there and wanted some balance. Dwelling in sadness made me stuck ther sometimes. I mean, is it just hormones - I can dwell in sadness way to much! I want to feel what God intended me to feel because I found some emotions were a trap to take me down that dark path. I found my college journal the other day and it was FILLED with sad, sad poetry - I almost couldn't relate and didn't want to re-live that turmoil. At some point in my mid-20s I started focusing on my gratitude towards my creator (God) and my redeemer (Jesus). Seeing the bad choices and sin I had created in my life and swooosh just letting myself really FEEL the forgiveness -- the undeserved forgiveness. I had sinned myself into so many unhappy consequences but needed to get myself out of the unhappiness. I started to focus on the possibilities the blessings that awaited me as I dug myself out of my sin-hole and started on the right path. I love the heart the Lord put in me to feel - I too could feel the stuff you wrote about and it reminded me of the feeling I got seeing a poor, naked boy smiling as he played in the dirt. I am alive because he's alive in me. I'm feeling your heart in your post and I'm loving it! Happy Birthday!
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